Who to blame?

I seriously don't know who to blame. I mean i blamed everyone i could. but in the end i blamed myself but then it sounded wrong as well. blame me? i didn't do anything... why do i deserve this? blame who? i blamed God. really, i did. at that time, my mind is just filled with anger and hatred. i am not sure who i really hated, God or myself? i can't decide but i know i am angry with everything once. not sure if anyone noticed but yes i do blame everything.

it's just not easy for me. it's like i have a task which i know i must do and yet i still defy, because i am angry? maybe... my flaws are too much for me to handle. but i heard that there is a saying that God only make someone goes through an experience based on the person's capabilities. am i that capable? maybe... i don't know. for now, yes i am doing my best to manage myself and behave but for how long?

i must say that the people around me change me. they change my way of dealing with the situations. some encouraged me to be me. some tried to take me back to the right side. but i am in the middle of nowhere. no place i can really call home. no place i can really fit in. i am just a chameleon changing its colour as it see fits. for what? to protect myself maybe. but then sometimes, the camouflage doesn't work. not because the colour is wrong, but because i am tired of changing colours. so many colours and i may lose my true colour.

in the end, i think i am pretty much empty inside. i can't really say i am empty but maybe there are times i feel full. laughter and jokes, when i laughed, i know i am happy. it is real. those feelings are. so yeah, blaming myself was not the right thing to do but i feel sorry for myself at times, as much as i pity those around me. things will get better? i don't know. maybe it will. but for now, things are not really that bad. i am quite happy i guess. why? because i don't feel like high school anymore, that time, those feelings are horrible. i think i said that before but nvm...

so who do i blame in the end? well, rationally the right thing to do is believe that things happen for a reason, whatever it may be. i can say that i do believe in God. because i believed that God somehow guided me through this madness. all that happens may as well saved me or make me a better person. or may have not. but that's one thing about life. it is so weird. but i am glad i am here alive because it's too early to die , right?

so i don't wanna blame anyone anymore. i will just keep moving till i stop...