I think the reason for my bitch attitude is probably due to high school and personal issues... It was hard I guess that time. It's like if i have the chance, i would juz run and left everything i wasn't reli thinking. Too bad i did, so i stayed and cooled my mind. It's like the whole world is against me, i can't remember not having a day getting scold by parents. They always have something to scold me for. My exam results which was like shit, rubbish i forgot to throw, always play games, don't study, play and play... I must say tuition SUCKS! Well, proper amount is enuf, I don't need tuitions for 6 subjects, screw studying I can reli juz ditched everything and leave this horrible place, but i didn't.
My relationship with parents are not reli good that time. Dad hates me for fooling in my study, I mean come on, it's a damn add math with only one chapter for exam and if i suck at that means i reli suck. But i can do other parts fine. Stupid exam reli poisoned parents' brain, results are not everything, it doesnt mean that u r dumb, its juz that u r not good at it, but maybe u can be good at something else.
When i go to school, my friends are pretty much why i am like here now. U kinda like forget every problems at home. Sometimes i don't even wanna go home. And my dad is like banning me from going to my fren's house, i mean what??? It's not like I went there n do drugs... At that time, I can reli say that I wished for an early death. It's juz too much for me. I don't reli have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my parents, no siblings, no frens so close for me to share my personal feelings.
And i read back my FB message with one of my friend, J. He is a nice person, he encouraged me and helped a lot during my study. But, i said : Eat shit. ..... I don't reli understand my feeling as well that time. How could I said that? I was such a bitch... Well, we stopped talking for like 3 years? 2? I lose count and I think he still hates me. Well, I am sorry but I wasn't really stable mentally I guess that time. So many things happened, things I don't talk about, there are so many actually. I think I told one person only bout the truth that happened about the sleepover but I guess it's okay, I am already bad, so let's be the bad guy.
High school is reli horrible i guess, not reli a good memory especially at home but i felt happy at school. Now, I am studying abroad, i don't know, maybe i felt free and far from all that i ever known. It's like a sweet escape. A fresh start and a new life all over. The new place i am in feels like home to me.
So, I was a bitch for many reasons. And when I can't talk bout it, I released my anger on others. Maybe some will misunderstood me for some reasons. But if u stretch ur imagination, I had a hard time on my own. Please understand. Other people may have their mom or dad to talk to but me, I actually talked to myself only and believe it or not, I calmed myself every night, telling myself that it will be fine. And the next day always started out fine but there are always arguments, so I have to calm myself again and again. You may even have brother or sister to talk to, but I guess the closest person I am with is myself only. I guess I don't reli trust others that much and I don't know if there is anyone who wanted to listen to all my problems anyway, so I'll deal it by myself, like I always do...
Today is quite a gloomy nite for me but yes , I was a bitch and I have my reasons.
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