Jealousy is normal but towards my own brother. Errrr...
Yes, I have been feeling a bit jealous now I guess. I mean, I am just jealous I guess.
It has been a while now but nothing heavy. It's just that I don't remember being close to my parents as he is doing now which I think is good since my parents probably will hate me sooner or later. Inevitable I guess.
I can expect it to be worst soon when he grows up older. This jealousy will grow too. I don't know how it will end but it will have an ending.
I'll do my best to have positive thoughts. "I am positive I am going to be jealous"
Watching Inside Out actually makes me wonder, I never have that kind of connections with my parents. My family island is different. I never got the chance to cry about something and have someone comfort me. Sometimes I wished I could just cry but I was all alone and the only person to comfort me is me. My sadness will be comforted by me and it has been that way since young. No reason to change that. I guess that is what I am jealous of, my brother having a closer relationship with my parents but I am glad they had that connection which I couldn't give. They deserve to have those connections with a son since I am such a sissy, I can't really identify myself clearly as to what I am. It can be concluded that I am the Riley that left San Fransisco in an alternate ending of the story. Ughhh why is it so hard? I am sure I picked the wrong cards when I was dead and revived again. But yeah, I am like sad for a while and then happy again and sad again that it is a cycle. I am totally inside out.
So, I am not sure how this jealousy will affect me but I am sure things will work out fine. It is Joy typing I guess.
Friday, 21 August 2015
Relationship?
You wanna be in one? Yes. It seems nice but people just kept telling me how horrible it is to be in a committed relationship.
Why? Peer pressure, duhhh... Maybe I am just horny...
Are you ready? I don't think so. Maybe. I don't know.
Why? Because I went on a few dates and a blind date and it didn't really went well plus I am quite picky when it comes to guys and these days are making it harder to find someone who wants an old-fashioned kind of date.
So, what are you gonna do now? I am just gonna wait I guess plus I am studying and it is hard like really hard. So, maybe I will try to let it be more natural like I don't have to search for it. Maybe time will change things around. Kinda like wishing for a never-gonna-happen fairy tale but that is better than dating some douche bag. Guys these days... Ughhh... All they wanted was sex. So, maybe I will just check out the dudes just for fun and don't get serious about it.
You think you can wait that long? I have been waiting like forever so why not.
What did you learn from the previous dates? Good looking guys are jerks and they are sex crazy. Just don't go for the looks, you will regret it. So, I will try not to judge a person by the looks. Yeah, I am trying.
What inspired you to write this? Because I am The DUFF. Probably no guys will notice me until the day I die. Hopefully not. Yeah, guys will run when they see me. Even I would run like totally.
Just have faith okay. Believe in yourself and love yourself and be nice and love will come like a storm you never expected it to be here...
Why? Peer pressure, duhhh... Maybe I am just horny...
Are you ready? I don't think so. Maybe. I don't know.
Why? Because I went on a few dates and a blind date and it didn't really went well plus I am quite picky when it comes to guys and these days are making it harder to find someone who wants an old-fashioned kind of date.
So, what are you gonna do now? I am just gonna wait I guess plus I am studying and it is hard like really hard. So, maybe I will try to let it be more natural like I don't have to search for it. Maybe time will change things around. Kinda like wishing for a never-gonna-happen fairy tale but that is better than dating some douche bag. Guys these days... Ughhh... All they wanted was sex. So, maybe I will just check out the dudes just for fun and don't get serious about it.
You think you can wait that long? I have been waiting like forever so why not.
What did you learn from the previous dates? Good looking guys are jerks and they are sex crazy. Just don't go for the looks, you will regret it. So, I will try not to judge a person by the looks. Yeah, I am trying.
What inspired you to write this? Because I am The DUFF. Probably no guys will notice me until the day I die. Hopefully not. Yeah, guys will run when they see me. Even I would run like totally.
Just have faith okay. Believe in yourself and love yourself and be nice and love will come like a storm you never expected it to be here...
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
First Time in KL
My first time in KL and I really hate it hahahaha. But the places are so nice to visit, why the roads must be so complicated!!! Enjoy ~
Health Promotion 2014/2015
As the name implied, we promote health so yeah. Nothing much to say but I wanna show these pictures haha ~ It was hard haha but I wasn't alone so it is all good. Will miss these days when we pretty much get on each others' nerves haha ~
First video of Me
This was taken during semester break in February. So awkward hahaha. I had more but let this be the first yay ~ Will miss that lil bitch. Our third year is up and it will be hard haha not as the disk but real dick LOL. Jk Jk. I need to put extra effort this time and must pass so we can meet next year OMG!!!
Here comes the depression...
Well, first let's change the songs before I can write about something depressing. Okay, better. Well, told my friend, R, about what happened five years ago. It is an important event in my life. I could be elsewhere right now but I am here by my choice. I chose to live in this cruel world so here I am, stuck in this land where freedom is not really there for me to fight for.
Tonight I wanna write about parents. Parents are important to me. They are. I can't help it but owe them my whole life to them. I wished I have different parents but you know what they say "Can't choose your family". So, as a child, being me is quite hard already, I must me crazy if I managed to live thru those dark days. Yes, I am crazy. You can say I understand that I am different from the other children. I am abnormal. I don't have a problem with that but others seems to have problems with me. So, they called me names I wished I didn't know the meaning but I do. I am quite feminine for I don't know what reasons. So, they kept calling me names. As a child, it is hard, harder when you have to bear it on your own. I can't even tell my parents about it. If I come back after playing outside, everything turns normal for me. My parents don't defend me. They don't fight for me. So, I have to bear it alone but I found and met nice people along the way who treated me nicely. So, if I felt like having a bad day, I never seem to show it because there are nice people around me too, they made me forget whatever problems I have. So yeah, even when my parents don't stand for me, I can stand on my own. I have been doing that since I was young, too young for a child to bear alone but he did it.
As I grew older, I started to think even more and more questions just kept on coming and still counting. It is this time that I explored the world and knew that I was not alone. There were others like me and we had the same problem. Still, I kept this to myself and never mentioned it. Usually, if you go back home, parents will ask you how is school, I would say it is all fine when even it is not. I learned not to depend on my parents on this thing because I already was doing this for a long time. Hanging on myself and just kept moving forward. Then, feelings started to pop out. I started to explore deeper about my origin and I learned a lot and I knew it is not a good thing. It is a taboo. So, I was in denial for quite some time. I was embracing it as I denied it. I tried to fight, I did. Parents just never help me to understand this. I was so young and when I needed them the most, they weren't there for me. They were never there. I just wished my life ended faster but still I hold on. I don't even know why I held on. I still remember I hated going back home, so I stayed at the school till everyone went back. Sitting at the parking for motorcycles, I would just sit there. I really hated home. Study is so hard, being me is even harder and parents made it worst when they don't try to understand me at all. But school is my salvation, everything becomes nice at school. I had friends. We would just laugh all day long.
Until now, my parents still don't understand me. I think they knew but they just refuse to talk about it. I am jealous of others with their parents. They can tell everything to their parents. For me, all we ever talked about is study, my future, my brother. We don't talk about me. I wished my parents would tell me it will all be fine and they would love me the same way. But I knew that is too good to be true, so I let there be a gap between us. A 21 years old of gap. One they won't be able to fill because I won't let them. It is too late now. They won't understand. Having a younger brother kinda makes me feel glad a little bit. At least they had a real son. So, me leaving won't be that hard for any of us. I can see where this is going. Soon, there will be talks of marriage. That would be my call. I am not being ungrateful, but I think this is for the best too. They would probably be too busy with taking care of their images with people. So, I will do this quietly. But, I hope they can understand it. The future is still far off. If they can accept it, I would be happy. But if not, it will be farewell.
So for those that still have their parents, take good care of them because you have the chance to explore each other. Something I wished for but it probably won't happen because then we will all be in hell. So, yeah, till the time comes. I won't make any moves yet. I am so nervous already. I don't know how this will end but it will.
Lights, camera, accion,
I'll do it on my own,
Don't need your money, money,
To get me what I want...
~High by the beach~
Tonight I wanna write about parents. Parents are important to me. They are. I can't help it but owe them my whole life to them. I wished I have different parents but you know what they say "Can't choose your family". So, as a child, being me is quite hard already, I must me crazy if I managed to live thru those dark days. Yes, I am crazy. You can say I understand that I am different from the other children. I am abnormal. I don't have a problem with that but others seems to have problems with me. So, they called me names I wished I didn't know the meaning but I do. I am quite feminine for I don't know what reasons. So, they kept calling me names. As a child, it is hard, harder when you have to bear it on your own. I can't even tell my parents about it. If I come back after playing outside, everything turns normal for me. My parents don't defend me. They don't fight for me. So, I have to bear it alone but I found and met nice people along the way who treated me nicely. So, if I felt like having a bad day, I never seem to show it because there are nice people around me too, they made me forget whatever problems I have. So yeah, even when my parents don't stand for me, I can stand on my own. I have been doing that since I was young, too young for a child to bear alone but he did it.
As I grew older, I started to think even more and more questions just kept on coming and still counting. It is this time that I explored the world and knew that I was not alone. There were others like me and we had the same problem. Still, I kept this to myself and never mentioned it. Usually, if you go back home, parents will ask you how is school, I would say it is all fine when even it is not. I learned not to depend on my parents on this thing because I already was doing this for a long time. Hanging on myself and just kept moving forward. Then, feelings started to pop out. I started to explore deeper about my origin and I learned a lot and I knew it is not a good thing. It is a taboo. So, I was in denial for quite some time. I was embracing it as I denied it. I tried to fight, I did. Parents just never help me to understand this. I was so young and when I needed them the most, they weren't there for me. They were never there. I just wished my life ended faster but still I hold on. I don't even know why I held on. I still remember I hated going back home, so I stayed at the school till everyone went back. Sitting at the parking for motorcycles, I would just sit there. I really hated home. Study is so hard, being me is even harder and parents made it worst when they don't try to understand me at all. But school is my salvation, everything becomes nice at school. I had friends. We would just laugh all day long.
Until now, my parents still don't understand me. I think they knew but they just refuse to talk about it. I am jealous of others with their parents. They can tell everything to their parents. For me, all we ever talked about is study, my future, my brother. We don't talk about me. I wished my parents would tell me it will all be fine and they would love me the same way. But I knew that is too good to be true, so I let there be a gap between us. A 21 years old of gap. One they won't be able to fill because I won't let them. It is too late now. They won't understand. Having a younger brother kinda makes me feel glad a little bit. At least they had a real son. So, me leaving won't be that hard for any of us. I can see where this is going. Soon, there will be talks of marriage. That would be my call. I am not being ungrateful, but I think this is for the best too. They would probably be too busy with taking care of their images with people. So, I will do this quietly. But, I hope they can understand it. The future is still far off. If they can accept it, I would be happy. But if not, it will be farewell.
So for those that still have their parents, take good care of them because you have the chance to explore each other. Something I wished for but it probably won't happen because then we will all be in hell. So, yeah, till the time comes. I won't make any moves yet. I am so nervous already. I don't know how this will end but it will.
Lights, camera, accion,
I'll do it on my own,
Don't need your money, money,
To get me what I want...
~High by the beach~
My 7 Things
It is not just about the study, it is about the people and how you dealt with them too.
I actually fell in love with one of my close friend. He is a nice person. I am so horrible. A lot of different feelings are going on there. I felt the anger, hatred, sadness, disappointment, and even love itself. It is a long story but now you can say I am glad it happened and it ended nicely, not that nice, but so so. So, it actually relapse haha and things got worst for a while and everyone blamed me saying I am the bad guy. Worst as in it gets physical. Yup, it did. I got some response but it was rejected in the end. So, I am the bad guy. He seduced me!!! Well, not many knows of this incident, close friends should know. They have been supportive and maybe I was bored that I need some drama to spice up my life. Or maybe I really liked him. Well, "liked". I still like him but nothing so desperate like last time. Those few weeks were so full of sadness I can kill myself already ughhhh... That is why I thought it was real but maybe it is meant to serve as a lesson for me. The last straight guy I will confess to...
Well, that is the end of falling for straight guy and beginning of the real search. I got involved with more and more guys. And met really nice people. I have a better view of what is the background of this situation. People are just looking for someone to fuck only. It is so sad actually to see this situation because I am not that kind of person. I want candle light dinner and movies stuffs. Not just "Hey, wanna fuck?" OMG!!! Well, this thing is personal so I don't wanna get to it but what interesting is I met people who turned over a new leaf. That is good. It is like they stopped because they found the love of their lives. So, I am glad I met them haha. So, in the end, it is not all bad. Some people just had a rough start and kinda lose in it. Some is still searching for themselves. I hope we find what we are looking for. We are in the same boat after all.
And there we have it. Some of the things I learned about love from my view. And also, my friends have some advices for me...
#1 Don't have random sex like EVER.
#2 Unless you are sure he is the right guy.
#3 Love yourself
#4 Then, you can love others
#5 You are charming, someone will love you for that
#6 Don't go for looks, they are assholes
#7 Go for personality, if a not so good looking guy can make you laugh, GO to him!!!
I actually fell in love with one of my close friend. He is a nice person. I am so horrible. A lot of different feelings are going on there. I felt the anger, hatred, sadness, disappointment, and even love itself. It is a long story but now you can say I am glad it happened and it ended nicely, not that nice, but so so. So, it actually relapse haha and things got worst for a while and everyone blamed me saying I am the bad guy. Worst as in it gets physical. Yup, it did. I got some response but it was rejected in the end. So, I am the bad guy. He seduced me!!! Well, not many knows of this incident, close friends should know. They have been supportive and maybe I was bored that I need some drama to spice up my life. Or maybe I really liked him. Well, "liked". I still like him but nothing so desperate like last time. Those few weeks were so full of sadness I can kill myself already ughhhh... That is why I thought it was real but maybe it is meant to serve as a lesson for me. The last straight guy I will confess to...
Well, that is the end of falling for straight guy and beginning of the real search. I got involved with more and more guys. And met really nice people. I have a better view of what is the background of this situation. People are just looking for someone to fuck only. It is so sad actually to see this situation because I am not that kind of person. I want candle light dinner and movies stuffs. Not just "Hey, wanna fuck?" OMG!!! Well, this thing is personal so I don't wanna get to it but what interesting is I met people who turned over a new leaf. That is good. It is like they stopped because they found the love of their lives. So, I am glad I met them haha. So, in the end, it is not all bad. Some people just had a rough start and kinda lose in it. Some is still searching for themselves. I hope we find what we are looking for. We are in the same boat after all.
And there we have it. Some of the things I learned about love from my view. And also, my friends have some advices for me...
#1 Don't have random sex like EVER.
#2 Unless you are sure he is the right guy.
#3 Love yourself
#4 Then, you can love others
#5 You are charming, someone will love you for that
#6 Don't go for looks, they are assholes
#7 Go for personality, if a not so good looking guy can make you laugh, GO to him!!!
#20 facts of "LOL"
#1 Who the hell will take out a laptop at a sushi restaurant? You tell me!!!
#2 Enough with the phone already!!! We meet like how many times in a year and you are playing that fucking phone!!!
#3 Don't you talk about games in front of me!!! You are supposed to ask how is your life and those kind of things. OMG!!!
#4 It is like a sleepover and you are there in front of a laptop, let's make it worst, an earphone is plugged into your ears!!!
#5 Bowling shoes won't give you rash. Your legs are just dirty.
#6 Badminton doesn't hurts right? I played with bare feet.
#7 Stop lying already OMG
#8 You are so mean but only to me. Why? Scared of the others huh huh do ya do ya ?
#9 Haha right, I am the only one who doesn't drive. Do you even have a license?
#10 Insulting me is acceptable but insulting what I like with pure evil intention that yours are greater, that, is not acceptable BITCH!
#11 HAHAHA, I am not even angry. I still wish for the best for you.
#12 But, you ain't got my trust no more.
#13 Life is not a competition. Try to have fun. #FightSong #DontKnowMeansDontSing
#14 And saying "jk jk", doesn't change the fact that you just insulted someone. Try to man up and be responsible for what you said.
#15 Deleted your FB post? Why? You can type "jk jk" mahhh if people question you.
#16 And please, "Listen" is better without you and me. It should just be me.
#17 Don't insult others like you are so great "academically".
#18 Sending Pikachu and Oddish sounds very professional.
#19 Ever watch a Cradily plays badminton?
#20 How old are you again?
#2 Enough with the phone already!!! We meet like how many times in a year and you are playing that fucking phone!!!
#3 Don't you talk about games in front of me!!! You are supposed to ask how is your life and those kind of things. OMG!!!
#4 It is like a sleepover and you are there in front of a laptop, let's make it worst, an earphone is plugged into your ears!!!
#5 Bowling shoes won't give you rash. Your legs are just dirty.
#6 Badminton doesn't hurts right? I played with bare feet.
#7 Stop lying already OMG
#8 You are so mean but only to me. Why? Scared of the others huh huh do ya do ya ?
#9 Haha right, I am the only one who doesn't drive. Do you even have a license?
#10 Insulting me is acceptable but insulting what I like with pure evil intention that yours are greater, that, is not acceptable BITCH!
#11 HAHAHA, I am not even angry. I still wish for the best for you.
#12 But, you ain't got my trust no more.
#13 Life is not a competition. Try to have fun. #FightSong #DontKnowMeansDontSing
#14 And saying "jk jk", doesn't change the fact that you just insulted someone. Try to man up and be responsible for what you said.
#15 Deleted your FB post? Why? You can type "jk jk" mahhh if people question you.
#16 And please, "Listen" is better without you and me. It should just be me.
#17 Don't insult others like you are so great "academically".
#18 Sending Pikachu and Oddish sounds very professional.
#19 Ever watch a Cradily plays badminton?
#20 How old are you again?
My Random Day and Nights
Well, it was fun. I can't describe it but I did many random things during this holiday. As a friend in a group of other friends, of course you try your best to please everyone, yeah I did that and I tried but then you just realize that sometimes, well maybe this time, I can just please myself. And that is when all these random ideas come to mind.
#1 Random Karaoke Night - This is crazy!!! Hahaha, well we ditched a few people but the thrill of doing it.. Ughhh... I wanna feel that again haha. Party consists of Me, D, and J so yeah. Triple Threat bitchezzz. I was happy we did that. We should totally try that again. We actually planned this in like 10 minutes hahaha and we just go for it. Because someone can't go back too late. I understand so don't mind us if we ditch you.
#2 Random Movie Night - Well, it is kinda planned but still I think it is random in someone's eyes hahaha. We took selfies more than we should hahaha and the building was so empty at that night. Kinda scary, I felt like in a horror movie. Sadly, no one else is crazy enough to match the threshold of our combined craziness, so we ditched again.
#3 Random Karaoke Day - Well, someone couldn't come doesn't mean that we can't go haha. So, we sang K-pop. I must complain why no romanized lyrics, I must slap OTK already. But still, I enjoyes singing my cantopop and kpop.
#1 Random Karaoke Night - This is crazy!!! Hahaha, well we ditched a few people but the thrill of doing it.. Ughhh... I wanna feel that again haha. Party consists of Me, D, and J so yeah. Triple Threat bitchezzz. I was happy we did that. We should totally try that again. We actually planned this in like 10 minutes hahaha and we just go for it. Because someone can't go back too late. I understand so don't mind us if we ditch you.
#2 Random Movie Night - Well, it is kinda planned but still I think it is random in someone's eyes hahaha. We took selfies more than we should hahaha and the building was so empty at that night. Kinda scary, I felt like in a horror movie. Sadly, no one else is crazy enough to match the threshold of our combined craziness, so we ditched again.
#3 Random Karaoke Day - Well, someone couldn't come doesn't mean that we can't go haha. So, we sang K-pop. I must complain why no romanized lyrics, I must slap OTK already. But still, I enjoyes singing my cantopop and kpop.
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