LurhkaF

 This is hard to say and I’m even more anxious to type it but I can’t ignore this feeling no longer. Let the truth of my words free me from the lingering doubt. 

It started when I first saw you when you came to W9 to review patient as O&G peri. The first thought that crossed my mind was “Who is that guy?”. I just thought to myself “He looks cute” and never have I thought that we would ever be in the same posting until Orthopaedic. 

It was a few days before I got into Ortho and I was in medical peri that I saw you in Ortho. My heart was very excited but it’s all in my head. We were wearing black too on that same day and the ortho MO mistaken me for you. And then the excitement is just built up and I was very excited to get into ortho. 

And then a lot happened in Ortho, I tried my best not to show any feelings towards you but how can I even hide my excitement when it’s just us two having lunch and dinner together. It was so hard to contain that feeling. And everything was fine until I get super jealous when you got close with this one girl… I know I know… So stupid to get jealous but I did. And I literally became cold towards you after that. I can’t even hide my expression but we are all wearing facemask so… And that same day we had to be in the same OT room stuck with each other with me trying my best to act normal with all the feelings jumbling each other. “I’m just tired” is like the dumbest answer I have ever gave when you ask me if I’m okay. Obviously not okay. 

And then the feelings became dormant, I told myself “I have moved on” but who am I lying to? Then we were brought together in Paeds. Not really into working together at that time because I know it will stir up that dormant feelings. And even when we are not really seeing each other on a daily basis. The feelings came back. I kept saying no and no but it eventually becomes “I can’t deny this thing”. And now I’m back to square one. 

And that leads to the present. It takes a lot of courage to do this. I am not sure what would be your respond but I know I am ready to find out when I type this “Confession”. 

Ps: Please don’t show this to others as you shared my almost going to confess voice note. I still can’t believe you told everyone. 👶🏻 And this blog is dead so nobody even read it anymore. You are the only audience for this. 

From: Me to You 

My thoughts these days

Every day is a battle these days. Life begins the moment I wake up everyday to work. Working is probably something adults do on a daily basis to sustain their lives. My job is not too bad and still considered okay but I wonder why I hate it everyday. Though I took my pledge but did I really meant every word that I said? Probably not. 

These days, I just wake up and forced myself to go to work everyday. Before going to work, my mind always tell me how I’m worthless and should probably never exist to begin with and a waste of space. One less me in this world probably will make the world a better place. I’m just a lazy person and have probably nothing to look forward to in the future. Heck, I even joke about killing myself off or how my life will end sooner than it should. Well, can’t help but having those thoughts. The only reason I’m still here is because of my family. The thought that one day they may.l not be around anymore scares me. What do I do? Who do I live for now? What’s left of me? Those kind of thoughts are around pretty much almost on every day. Not to mention how I wished for someone to just murder me or some vehicles please just run me over once and for all. Yeah that happened. I did wish for it. Even as I sleep before I fell into that deep slumber, I always wished that I would just stop breathing and never have to wake up anymore. Not sure how bad that is but sounds almost not good. 

Let’s not forget how I easily blame myself for almost everything that happens around me. Even when it is not my fault, I tend to want to be blamed. Probably because I think that I don’t deserve happiness of some sort so I think that bad things will happen to my surrounding if I get too happy. 

I have too much feelings. Too many things going on in my mind at the same time. I don’t even know which is the real me anymore these days. Am I the nice and polite me? Or just some one acting to be polite because that way won’t attract much attention to myself. And I have so much bad thoughts and it is suffocating. Nobody deserved to have that kind of thought but probably just me. 

It does feel good to write here again. I am unsure of how long I will survive whatever that may come. Probably just waiting for that one trigger to end it all, like a time bomb but nobody knows when it will explode. 

I cried a lot too these days. Exactly almost everyday before and after work. Having a car means that I can just cry myself out. Even as I drive back I’ll cry and just cry . Why? Nobody knows. Maybe because I think of it all as my fault. It is my fault though. How can I ever love with that guilt? 

To be honest, when I see elderly, why do they live so long? Don’t they get bored? But honestly speaking, I’d end my life before anything else ends me. Why live when you can just disappear into thin air that nobody will notice my absence. 

I’m not sure what I’m saying already... I just want to say thank you and sorry to my parents for all the things they did to me and to all my friends as well, they have been such a great addition to this almost sick life that I have. Probably not the best of son or the best of friend, but hopefully for whatever reason that should I leave this world of the living, I hope that the decision is respected and may you all forgive me. I wrote this just in case I couldn’t in the future. Please don’t cry for me, I’m probably going to hell so yeah. Life is just that simple, to live and to die. Even now, I find no reason to live. For what do i have to work this fragile body? 

I’m really happy though before, when I smile and laugh before this, those are genuine and I did enjoy those moments. Not sure what will happen in the future, but I will always treasure those moments. 

Usually I kept these in a diary, but I decided to write here because no one probably reads this log of mine. At least I leave something before something happens to me in the future, Probably not under my control but part of me want to live, bu lt is that same part too know that it is not worth living, Maybe death is better. Perhaps. 

Your dearest,

Fitniss

A New Story Unfolds

So it has been a year since I typed anything here. Life was a journey in 2018. I have been through a lot. So many different kinds of emotions and feelings. But today I want to talk about the feeling of fear. It was about an exam. I was called in by the lecturer and to notify me that I need to do properly in the next few exams because of my poor performance in the previous exam. I can’t say how scared I was at that time. Knowing that you are weak and incompetent at times but I was grateful as well that it happened. It knocked me in the head to remind me of the things I lack and where I should start improving. I worked my ass off after that trying my best to be able to keep up with things that I should. It was hard. I was scared. But I kept pushing on and not to forget the amount of tears wasted on those feelings but it wasn’t wasted as it was necessary for me to let go of my feeling to better understand how I feel about this situation I am in. The exam then approached after 6 weeks of pushing myself forward even when it is so hard but I had to or else there will be consequences. And what drives me to do what I do at that time was fear. Regardless of the nature of the fear, it is necessary to experience fear of some form. But don’t let it stops you and instead let it pushes you forward to reach a new higher ground and save yourself from the fear. I have been letting fear stop me and also pushes me forward in life. But in conclusion, fear is necessary. Let there be fear and let it pushes you a thousand miles forward knowing that it is just a feeling of some sort and depending on how we react towards it, life can be a whole lot different.