Every day is a battle these days. Life begins the moment I wake up everyday to work. Working is probably something adults do on a daily basis to sustain their lives. My job is not too bad and still considered okay but I wonder why I hate it everyday. Though I took my pledge but did I really meant every word that I said? Probably not.
These days, I just wake up and forced myself to go to work everyday. Before going to work, my mind always tell me how I’m worthless and should probably never exist to begin with and a waste of space. One less me in this world probably will make the world a better place. I’m just a lazy person and have probably nothing to look forward to in the future. Heck, I even joke about killing myself off or how my life will end sooner than it should. Well, can’t help but having those thoughts. The only reason I’m still here is because of my family. The thought that one day they may.l not be around anymore scares me. What do I do? Who do I live for now? What’s left of me? Those kind of thoughts are around pretty much almost on every day. Not to mention how I wished for someone to just murder me or some vehicles please just run me over once and for all. Yeah that happened. I did wish for it. Even as I sleep before I fell into that deep slumber, I always wished that I would just stop breathing and never have to wake up anymore. Not sure how bad that is but sounds almost not good.
Let’s not forget how I easily blame myself for almost everything that happens around me. Even when it is not my fault, I tend to want to be blamed. Probably because I think that I don’t deserve happiness of some sort so I think that bad things will happen to my surrounding if I get too happy.
I have too much feelings. Too many things going on in my mind at the same time. I don’t even know which is the real me anymore these days. Am I the nice and polite me? Or just some one acting to be polite because that way won’t attract much attention to myself. And I have so much bad thoughts and it is suffocating. Nobody deserved to have that kind of thought but probably just me.
It does feel good to write here again. I am unsure of how long I will survive whatever that may come. Probably just waiting for that one trigger to end it all, like a time bomb but nobody knows when it will explode.
I cried a lot too these days. Exactly almost everyday before and after work. Having a car means that I can just cry myself out. Even as I drive back I’ll cry and just cry . Why? Nobody knows. Maybe because I think of it all as my fault. It is my fault though. How can I ever love with that guilt?
To be honest, when I see elderly, why do they live so long? Don’t they get bored? But honestly speaking, I’d end my life before anything else ends me. Why live when you can just disappear into thin air that nobody will notice my absence.
I’m not sure what I’m saying already... I just want to say thank you and sorry to my parents for all the things they did to me and to all my friends as well, they have been such a great addition to this almost sick life that I have. Probably not the best of son or the best of friend, but hopefully for whatever reason that should I leave this world of the living, I hope that the decision is respected and may you all forgive me. I wrote this just in case I couldn’t in the future. Please don’t cry for me, I’m probably going to hell so yeah. Life is just that simple, to live and to die. Even now, I find no reason to live. For what do i have to work this fragile body?
I’m really happy though before, when I smile and laugh before this, those are genuine and I did enjoy those moments. Not sure what will happen in the future, but I will always treasure those moments.
Usually I kept these in a diary, but I decided to write here because no one probably reads this log of mine. At least I leave something before something happens to me in the future, Probably not under my control but part of me want to live, bu lt is that same part too know that it is not worth living, Maybe death is better. Perhaps.
Your dearest,
Fitniss
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