I met my friend. Well, more like stumbled upon. And I realize something. People change. As they get older, they just have to change. I guess I am happy to see the changes but I kinda missed the old version of them. Maybe I wanted to keep staying in the past because it is nicer there...
I missed my old self as well I guess. The younger me. It must be nice to stay young. Adulthood is just boring now that I get older day by day... Peter Pan please take me away.
Friday, 25 July 2014
Who to blame?
I seriously don't know who to blame. I mean i blamed everyone i could. but in the end i blamed myself but then it sounded wrong as well. blame me? i didn't do anything... why do i deserve this? blame who? i blamed God. really, i did. at that time, my mind is just filled with anger and hatred. i am not sure who i really hated, God or myself? i can't decide but i know i am angry with everything once. not sure if anyone noticed but yes i do blame everything.
it's just not easy for me. it's like i have a task which i know i must do and yet i still defy, because i am angry? maybe... my flaws are too much for me to handle. but i heard that there is a saying that God only make someone goes through an experience based on the person's capabilities. am i that capable? maybe... i don't know. for now, yes i am doing my best to manage myself and behave but for how long?
i must say that the people around me change me. they change my way of dealing with the situations. some encouraged me to be me. some tried to take me back to the right side. but i am in the middle of nowhere. no place i can really call home. no place i can really fit in. i am just a chameleon changing its colour as it see fits. for what? to protect myself maybe. but then sometimes, the camouflage doesn't work. not because the colour is wrong, but because i am tired of changing colours. so many colours and i may lose my true colour.
in the end, i think i am pretty much empty inside. i can't really say i am empty but maybe there are times i feel full. laughter and jokes, when i laughed, i know i am happy. it is real. those feelings are. so yeah, blaming myself was not the right thing to do but i feel sorry for myself at times, as much as i pity those around me. things will get better? i don't know. maybe it will. but for now, things are not really that bad. i am quite happy i guess. why? because i don't feel like high school anymore, that time, those feelings are horrible. i think i said that before but nvm...
so who do i blame in the end? well, rationally the right thing to do is believe that things happen for a reason, whatever it may be. i can say that i do believe in God. because i believed that God somehow guided me through this madness. all that happens may as well saved me or make me a better person. or may have not. but that's one thing about life. it is so weird. but i am glad i am here alive because it's too early to die , right?
so i don't wanna blame anyone anymore. i will just keep moving till i stop...
it's just not easy for me. it's like i have a task which i know i must do and yet i still defy, because i am angry? maybe... my flaws are too much for me to handle. but i heard that there is a saying that God only make someone goes through an experience based on the person's capabilities. am i that capable? maybe... i don't know. for now, yes i am doing my best to manage myself and behave but for how long?
i must say that the people around me change me. they change my way of dealing with the situations. some encouraged me to be me. some tried to take me back to the right side. but i am in the middle of nowhere. no place i can really call home. no place i can really fit in. i am just a chameleon changing its colour as it see fits. for what? to protect myself maybe. but then sometimes, the camouflage doesn't work. not because the colour is wrong, but because i am tired of changing colours. so many colours and i may lose my true colour.
in the end, i think i am pretty much empty inside. i can't really say i am empty but maybe there are times i feel full. laughter and jokes, when i laughed, i know i am happy. it is real. those feelings are. so yeah, blaming myself was not the right thing to do but i feel sorry for myself at times, as much as i pity those around me. things will get better? i don't know. maybe it will. but for now, things are not really that bad. i am quite happy i guess. why? because i don't feel like high school anymore, that time, those feelings are horrible. i think i said that before but nvm...
so who do i blame in the end? well, rationally the right thing to do is believe that things happen for a reason, whatever it may be. i can say that i do believe in God. because i believed that God somehow guided me through this madness. all that happens may as well saved me or make me a better person. or may have not. but that's one thing about life. it is so weird. but i am glad i am here alive because it's too early to die , right?
so i don't wanna blame anyone anymore. i will just keep moving till i stop...
Monday, 21 July 2014
Am I A Grenade?
Yes. I am a grenade. I can relate to her when she said about reducing the number of casualties. It's just like me. I prefer not getting too close to anyone although I wanted to. I just know that when I explode, time is not stopping, it's not waiting, and the people around me are not ready for that. Sometimes, I hope that I am an orphan and have no parents. Yes, I know it is bad to wish for something like that, but sometimes I do. Sometimes...
If I am orphan, then I don't have any bonds or ties with people. Then, nobody will get hurt. I will just hurt myself and it's fine as long as it is me, better me than them. Better to get hurt by yourself, than hurting others. I won't have anything to lose. So, it's a good thing for me actually.
I guess I care for the people around me somehow. Yes, I do. Maybe when I explode, I will do it somewhere far and you won't hear from me anymore. It's better that way. I can carry this alone, like I used to.
But I guess it is tougher for them, having me around must be challenging. It's tough being a kid with cancer, but tougher for the parents with kid having cancer. Shouldn't you hate me for it? You should. Then, I will be on my way. I will leave and follow the endless road of nothingness. You shouldn't care for me, it makes things harder for me. Just hate me already. Stop acting nice. This world is the worst place ever. With pleasure, there comes pain. Pain demands to be felt. My pain is demanding it now. But nobody will know my pain. No one.
I am still ticking. And now, I have more ties and bonds. How many will get hurt? How many will help? How many will hate? Most importantly, how many will understand?
If I am orphan, then I don't have any bonds or ties with people. Then, nobody will get hurt. I will just hurt myself and it's fine as long as it is me, better me than them. Better to get hurt by yourself, than hurting others. I won't have anything to lose. So, it's a good thing for me actually.
I guess I care for the people around me somehow. Yes, I do. Maybe when I explode, I will do it somewhere far and you won't hear from me anymore. It's better that way. I can carry this alone, like I used to.
But I guess it is tougher for them, having me around must be challenging. It's tough being a kid with cancer, but tougher for the parents with kid having cancer. Shouldn't you hate me for it? You should. Then, I will be on my way. I will leave and follow the endless road of nothingness. You shouldn't care for me, it makes things harder for me. Just hate me already. Stop acting nice. This world is the worst place ever. With pleasure, there comes pain. Pain demands to be felt. My pain is demanding it now. But nobody will know my pain. No one.
I am still ticking. And now, I have more ties and bonds. How many will get hurt? How many will help? How many will hate? Most importantly, how many will understand?
This guy is good ? #cosplay
Yes, this guy is good. The moment I saw his picture, I was like "Hiccup" ... I didn't get a hiccup of course. But I must say that his work is an art. Please do more cosplay whoever and wherever you are haha. You have a talent for it and Anime rules!!! Ok, maybe he is good looking as well, but I guess he knows how to work his body. I wonder if there is anyone better than him? But, continue the good work though. You have my support, his name is Liui something. Not sure from where... But Good luck in ur cosplaying, I will be waiting for more haha.
Well, he did some other cosplay as well. Quite cute hahaha.
The Fault in My Star?
So, I watched the movie. I like it and I just think that it has a lot of messages to the people. I could relate some of it. Personally, I expected a more dramatic ending because Gus just died... Not shown how he died, I may have cried if they did. I didn't read the book though, it's like if you read the book, what's the point of watching the movie? You already know the ending. I just hate spoilers unless I am a die hard fans of the story which I am not one. I just like Boom Clap actually hahaha, but overall the story is okay for me. Sweet and funny at times. I just can't connect to the emotion and feeling of the story, maybe because I am not a cancer patients. I can't relate to that.
Then, I must say the movie is so colorful and young. I got attracted to that. I mean who doesn't want to be young and in love. Now, I am wondering myself. What happened to Hazel? Can I ask the author like the scene with Peter van Houter, not sure what his name is haha. Did she die? I just love to see more of what happen after that.
Now, favorite part of movie. Hmmm... I must say BOOM CLAP hahaha. The ending is okay though, simple. Hmmm what else...
The movie is still okay for me. I just don't get some who cried for it. Maybe they can relate to the movie. But I wanna laugh at something, I heard tissue being pulled from its box. A TISSUE BOX. OMG hahaha so dramatic. Crying like the end of the world. But I cried to in movies. Depends... Usually if the movies involve parents and children. It is too much for me to handle so I cried. No wonder I can't cried when Love is Gone because love between two persons are not greater than parents love and care, in my view of course.
Hmmm. I guess that is all...
World is not a wishing granting factory. I am not sure...
Then, I must say the movie is so colorful and young. I got attracted to that. I mean who doesn't want to be young and in love. Now, I am wondering myself. What happened to Hazel? Can I ask the author like the scene with Peter van Houter, not sure what his name is haha. Did she die? I just love to see more of what happen after that.
Now, favorite part of movie. Hmmm... I must say BOOM CLAP hahaha. The ending is okay though, simple. Hmmm what else...
The movie is still okay for me. I just don't get some who cried for it. Maybe they can relate to the movie. But I wanna laugh at something, I heard tissue being pulled from its box. A TISSUE BOX. OMG hahaha so dramatic. Crying like the end of the world. But I cried to in movies. Depends... Usually if the movies involve parents and children. It is too much for me to handle so I cried. No wonder I can't cried when Love is Gone because love between two persons are not greater than parents love and care, in my view of course.
Hmmm. I guess that is all...
World is not a wishing granting factory. I am not sure...
Thursday, 17 July 2014
More people died?
Now, people died in million ways. No matter where we are, death is upon us. There is no escaping death. It is easy to say those words but it is very hard to accept the fact that someone close to you died. It is the hardest thing to do. For me, two people I knew died but I didn't or more like couldn't be there by their side till their time comes. And, I only went to their graves. So, I didn't really see dead people before. You can say that I have yet to feel the sadness of losing people. Because I never see them left. It's like they are still here.
My first dead body is during my practical in a lab. That is the first time I saw a dead body. My feeling at that time: Scared. Yes, I was scared of that dead body even knowing that he is dead. I too pitied the person, I mean most of the cadaver is here because no one claimed their bodies. So, it is sad when you don't have a proper burial. I don't know how to describe my feeling as well. I don't want to imagine it. Death of a loved ones.
Now, there is news about people died from a plane shot down. At first I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. It's like those people dying is a normal event. People die everyday. But, I saw someone posted on FB of another friend. That person is looking for his friend who he knows is on board of the plane. I just think that it is sad. I mean I can imagine if one of my friend meets the same fate. I would probably be worried as well. It is interesting however to know who really cares for you when bad things happen. Some who looked like they don't care turned out to be the most caring person. Such event revealed the people's real feelings. At least if I die, I wanted to know who cared for me, at least I know there are some people, I may not have million of prayers for me, but just a few sincere and caring thoughts are enough.
I think I am out of topic again... But, the point is things happened for a reason. Those lives lost in the tragedy will mean something to those related and that will bring a greater change in those individuals. Life is precious if someone treasures your life. If your life is lost, then those precious memories will forever be carved into the people that treasure your life. So, be good when you are alive, you never know when you can be a part of something important in others' lives. I still think that I am out of topic...
My first dead body is during my practical in a lab. That is the first time I saw a dead body. My feeling at that time: Scared. Yes, I was scared of that dead body even knowing that he is dead. I too pitied the person, I mean most of the cadaver is here because no one claimed their bodies. So, it is sad when you don't have a proper burial. I don't know how to describe my feeling as well. I don't want to imagine it. Death of a loved ones.
Now, there is news about people died from a plane shot down. At first I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. It's like those people dying is a normal event. People die everyday. But, I saw someone posted on FB of another friend. That person is looking for his friend who he knows is on board of the plane. I just think that it is sad. I mean I can imagine if one of my friend meets the same fate. I would probably be worried as well. It is interesting however to know who really cares for you when bad things happen. Some who looked like they don't care turned out to be the most caring person. Such event revealed the people's real feelings. At least if I die, I wanted to know who cared for me, at least I know there are some people, I may not have million of prayers for me, but just a few sincere and caring thoughts are enough.
I think I am out of topic again... But, the point is things happened for a reason. Those lives lost in the tragedy will mean something to those related and that will bring a greater change in those individuals. Life is precious if someone treasures your life. If your life is lost, then those precious memories will forever be carved into the people that treasure your life. So, be good when you are alive, you never know when you can be a part of something important in others' lives. I still think that I am out of topic...
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Fear for the future?
The future hmmm... I have no idea how it is like. Well, I just want a simple future for me. A house and all the happiness I could get. Don't you? Maybe I will be a great doctor? Is it just me but I am still unsure of my future, maybe I am in this course for 5 years... But then, anything can happen right, I mean 10 years from now, or 20. I guess I am just scared of not knowing. But not knowing is part of the fun right?
Guilty?
Ever felt guilty? I do, everyday and every second of my life, guilt is what I felt. It is a feeling when you realized you did something bad and the course of actions that you take after that depends on you. For me, I continued being bad even after knowing it is bad. But what can I do? Even knowing the right thing to do, I didn't do it. Why? I don't know...
I feel guilt for the things I did, those are things I can't say I regret as well, maybe part of me did. I feel guilt for what I am doing now and I feel guilt already for things I know I will do. The darkness never left, it is just waiting for the right time, I am waiting... As long as there is no external stimulus, I will not be stimulated. For now, I think I am quite safe from myself. But in the future, I doubt that I am going to be safe. I know what to do and I think I will be selfish at that time, I just know because it happened before and all the things I cared for are left behind. I just know that I will choose to be bad. Not that I want to but being bad seems natural, not like that bad but bad. I guess no one will understand. You were never there. But I was. I just know that things will get tougher soon and the people around me will decide my choice of life actually.
But guilt will always be there until the day comes or if I die earlier then the event will not occur. But, I doubt my life would end just like that. My life is just full of craps and more craps coming in. I tried to live but this is not living. I think it is a divine punishment. Well, punish me now than later. It might be too late. For now, I am in a state of neutral. I tried to not choose any sides yet, despite knowing the right side I still choose none for now. I wondered why? I mean I did try to change but it just didn't work out. I was faking it and I stop. Stop faking.
Now, I am back to square one. No progress... But I just know that this is not the end. My life is so complicated. It's like having desire to be free like a bird but a perfect cage is set around me. Now I am trap but the key is always with me, I just don't know what to do with it. Should I get out of the cage and face the danger lurking or stay safe and live in a cage? I still can't decide. It's a big decision. But, I know there are only two paths for me to take in the end. What shall it be?
Maybe my guilt will vanish then... But it's hard carrying it alone, no wonder I am physically weak, because all my energy is used to carry this guilt all around.
So, guilty? Are you? Because I am and I don't know what to do...
I feel guilt for the things I did, those are things I can't say I regret as well, maybe part of me did. I feel guilt for what I am doing now and I feel guilt already for things I know I will do. The darkness never left, it is just waiting for the right time, I am waiting... As long as there is no external stimulus, I will not be stimulated. For now, I think I am quite safe from myself. But in the future, I doubt that I am going to be safe. I know what to do and I think I will be selfish at that time, I just know because it happened before and all the things I cared for are left behind. I just know that I will choose to be bad. Not that I want to but being bad seems natural, not like that bad but bad. I guess no one will understand. You were never there. But I was. I just know that things will get tougher soon and the people around me will decide my choice of life actually.
But guilt will always be there until the day comes or if I die earlier then the event will not occur. But, I doubt my life would end just like that. My life is just full of craps and more craps coming in. I tried to live but this is not living. I think it is a divine punishment. Well, punish me now than later. It might be too late. For now, I am in a state of neutral. I tried to not choose any sides yet, despite knowing the right side I still choose none for now. I wondered why? I mean I did try to change but it just didn't work out. I was faking it and I stop. Stop faking.
Now, I am back to square one. No progress... But I just know that this is not the end. My life is so complicated. It's like having desire to be free like a bird but a perfect cage is set around me. Now I am trap but the key is always with me, I just don't know what to do with it. Should I get out of the cage and face the danger lurking or stay safe and live in a cage? I still can't decide. It's a big decision. But, I know there are only two paths for me to take in the end. What shall it be?
Maybe my guilt will vanish then... But it's hard carrying it alone, no wonder I am physically weak, because all my energy is used to carry this guilt all around.
So, guilty? Are you? Because I am and I don't know what to do...
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Hating on Twitter?
Well, hating is bad. It is, but still sometimes I hate. It's just human nature to hate something instead of trying to look at it from a different point of view. That goes to expressing you hate towards others. Well, recently, there is a video released on the web about a minor car accident and a lady who scolded an uncle like hell. And someone managed to record it and now it is everywhere and people just won't stop talking bout it and I smelled fried chicken... Haha. Sorry.
The worst thing to do is judge someone bad by just looking at the video. I mean come on, okay, maybe she is bad in the less than 5 minutes video, maybe she is wrong for scolding the uncle and be violent towards him. But come on, you people are not even there, you don't know what really happen, or how it happened. You are just watching it as a third person. How can you judge just like that. If you wanna judge, then you have to listen from both sides. Maybe she is not being herself that time, maybe something happened to her before the car accident, maybe and just maybe there are so many reasons that could contributed to her wild actions. But you are not in any position to judge unless you know the whole story.
You have to look from all different views, from hers and the uncle's. I am not saying I am a really nice person or trying to defend her but just wanted to state that it is unfair for her to be judged and hated because of one thing she did. She may have been bad or good but it's not for you to judge, you judging her like you are so great and above her. I may not be religious but that taught me not to judge others because I am no better than them, I am like them as well, incomplete, and imperfect.
So, basically, what I wanted to say here is stop using social media to attack a person you barely even know, do you know her? Huh? Do you? If you don't then maybe you view her actions as violent and I must say that she was a little bit over but she may have her reasons and she deserves to have the right to defend herself. Social media is a place to improve communication not scolding and judging others for what they did. If you think you are so good as a person, then maybe you should really ask yourself. Am I a good person? Scolding her on social media is the right thing to do?
I am not really one to talk also. I am not even that nice as a person and it is up to you how you wanna perceive me. Maybe I could be one of the person talking bad about her also, maybe I did. But humans do mistakes, it is something we are born with and mistakes are what make us change to be a better person. I am too, trying and changing to a better person, although it may seem like a worthless effort but at least i tried. So I beg of you, stop using social media to spread your anger. Anger is contagious. Forgive others for what they have done, everyone deserves a second chance. I blew up mine I think...
So, maybe give her a chance to redeem herself. She may even be a better person than any of us.
The worst thing to do is judge someone bad by just looking at the video. I mean come on, okay, maybe she is bad in the less than 5 minutes video, maybe she is wrong for scolding the uncle and be violent towards him. But come on, you people are not even there, you don't know what really happen, or how it happened. You are just watching it as a third person. How can you judge just like that. If you wanna judge, then you have to listen from both sides. Maybe she is not being herself that time, maybe something happened to her before the car accident, maybe and just maybe there are so many reasons that could contributed to her wild actions. But you are not in any position to judge unless you know the whole story.
You have to look from all different views, from hers and the uncle's. I am not saying I am a really nice person or trying to defend her but just wanted to state that it is unfair for her to be judged and hated because of one thing she did. She may have been bad or good but it's not for you to judge, you judging her like you are so great and above her. I may not be religious but that taught me not to judge others because I am no better than them, I am like them as well, incomplete, and imperfect.
So, basically, what I wanted to say here is stop using social media to attack a person you barely even know, do you know her? Huh? Do you? If you don't then maybe you view her actions as violent and I must say that she was a little bit over but she may have her reasons and she deserves to have the right to defend herself. Social media is a place to improve communication not scolding and judging others for what they did. If you think you are so good as a person, then maybe you should really ask yourself. Am I a good person? Scolding her on social media is the right thing to do?
I am not really one to talk also. I am not even that nice as a person and it is up to you how you wanna perceive me. Maybe I could be one of the person talking bad about her also, maybe I did. But humans do mistakes, it is something we are born with and mistakes are what make us change to be a better person. I am too, trying and changing to a better person, although it may seem like a worthless effort but at least i tried. So I beg of you, stop using social media to spread your anger. Anger is contagious. Forgive others for what they have done, everyone deserves a second chance. I blew up mine I think...
So, maybe give her a chance to redeem herself. She may even be a better person than any of us.
Medical School Year 1 COMPLETE - Part 1
Haha I forgot I ended my first year out of 5 in UMS. It was tough. No, seriously it is tough. I mean everyday is important, every hour, every minute, every second. If you waste your time and don't manage properly, then you basically are bound to fail in your exam here, in this course. It's like you don't really have much time for drama, it's like the least is the better, I have better things to do, but yup, there will always be drama no matter where you go. Sigh...
Well, studying for a module test is just crazy haha. Then, you have to study for finals, that is the real deal and my life is just so horrible, but at the same time fulfilling as well. My life started like this from Monday to Friday... Wake up at 6 am, bath and get ready for class and it will be at 8 am. Study and goofs around till at least 5pm, sometimes we get to go back early so more nap time. I usually take my nap for at least 2 to 3 hours so maybe wake up at 7 or 8 or 9 pm LoL. Then, eat, bath, study again... till 2am or 3am... Then sleep... till 6 am and the cycle repeats for the rest of the weekday. It is really tiring but I managed that for a year.
Now is the best part, Saturday and Sunday. WEEKEND!!!! So, during weekend, I usually do my 5 days worth of laundry, give Iman a text and invitation to a movie she usually said YES and a day out to relieve my self from stress. So weekend is usually free, well I try to make use of my time as much as possible.
Now, things I can never stand peeps in my room doing. Okay, no 1 is LIGHT. I can never sleep if you turn on the light so I will have them use their study lamp, well they get that part of me. The thing is you just have to ask, if you ask then maybe we can tolerate each other, so I did I ask them if I can turn the light off. It was hard but I managed to make myself TALK and communicate with my roommates. I decided not to hide my feelings and tell them if there is something I don't like them to do. No 2 that include NOISE especially when I AM SLEEPING. Never ever make noise when I am sleeping, I just hate it and when I wake up I can't sleep again. So, I too discussed about this with roommates, so after that they stopped making noises, well, rather like LESS noise, I am so thankful so now I learned to be more outspoken. Is it the right word? i think so lol.
I think that's all I don't like what my roommates always do. The rest kalau kau nak buat apa2 pun suka hati kau jani x kacau hidup aku haha. Well. that's me. I prefer quiet and calm and peaceful surrounding. Well, I will get 2 new roommates for the next time, I gave them an early warning though lol. They seem fine so yay. I will miss my old roommates though.
Now, sad moment... When I failed my exam, actually it's a module test but I failed... And I can't accept it and I became sad like shit. Then, I changed my habit and study style. I became better after that. At least, I managed to past my module test the next time. Then, the JPA thing. Shockingly, I didn't get my scholarship which my other frends got. Some of u didnt get also. I was shocked. And sad. My mind is not at its best. I have bad thoughts around me. I knew it was wrong but I can't stop thinking bout it. Something like, why does she gets it, why didnt i have it, not fair, even someone like that got it, why didnt i. I can't believe i actually had such mind. It is juz so scary to think that I am engulfed by darkness juz like that. My parents knew and my mom scolded me saying i shud apply more scholarship before this. So, i got reli pissed off. And juz dun have the mood, we juz finish our 2nd module test btw... Then , my dad texted me and what he said was really touching... "It's okay if you don't get a scholarship, Dad can still work, you just study ok" I reli cried after reading it, I juz can't accept such kindness from my parents. I juz dun want to be a burden to my parents, even coming to asasi ums, the first thing that crossed my mind is, ohhh money, it must cost a lot to go there, that i decided to go to matriks but my dad has his way to make me go to sabah, so i went to sabah and continued studying there. And yup, I reli dun like accepting parent's money, bcos I know it is hard to get them. Sometimes, i juz feel like quitting study and work. But, dad said go as far as your feet can take u. So, i listened to him and here i am, quite far... The last time I cried is getting scolded by lecturer... He said we complained too much during our presentation and we are no more than a GARBAGE... I couldn't do anything and as an appointed leader I felt like I let down my group... I cried after that and yeah it sucked. I am no garbage. I will prove it to him.
I think there is so many things to talk about in one year... Maybe i continue later... Hahaha later k... Oooo no pictures.... Hahaha nvm.... Next post ~
Well, studying for a module test is just crazy haha. Then, you have to study for finals, that is the real deal and my life is just so horrible, but at the same time fulfilling as well. My life started like this from Monday to Friday... Wake up at 6 am, bath and get ready for class and it will be at 8 am. Study and goofs around till at least 5pm, sometimes we get to go back early so more nap time. I usually take my nap for at least 2 to 3 hours so maybe wake up at 7 or 8 or 9 pm LoL. Then, eat, bath, study again... till 2am or 3am... Then sleep... till 6 am and the cycle repeats for the rest of the weekday. It is really tiring but I managed that for a year.
Now is the best part, Saturday and Sunday. WEEKEND!!!! So, during weekend, I usually do my 5 days worth of laundry, give Iman a text and invitation to a movie she usually said YES and a day out to relieve my self from stress. So weekend is usually free, well I try to make use of my time as much as possible.
Now, things I can never stand peeps in my room doing. Okay, no 1 is LIGHT. I can never sleep if you turn on the light so I will have them use their study lamp, well they get that part of me. The thing is you just have to ask, if you ask then maybe we can tolerate each other, so I did I ask them if I can turn the light off. It was hard but I managed to make myself TALK and communicate with my roommates. I decided not to hide my feelings and tell them if there is something I don't like them to do. No 2 that include NOISE especially when I AM SLEEPING. Never ever make noise when I am sleeping, I just hate it and when I wake up I can't sleep again. So, I too discussed about this with roommates, so after that they stopped making noises, well, rather like LESS noise, I am so thankful so now I learned to be more outspoken. Is it the right word? i think so lol.
I think that's all I don't like what my roommates always do. The rest kalau kau nak buat apa2 pun suka hati kau jani x kacau hidup aku haha. Well. that's me. I prefer quiet and calm and peaceful surrounding. Well, I will get 2 new roommates for the next time, I gave them an early warning though lol. They seem fine so yay. I will miss my old roommates though.
Now, sad moment... When I failed my exam, actually it's a module test but I failed... And I can't accept it and I became sad like shit. Then, I changed my habit and study style. I became better after that. At least, I managed to past my module test the next time. Then, the JPA thing. Shockingly, I didn't get my scholarship which my other frends got. Some of u didnt get also. I was shocked. And sad. My mind is not at its best. I have bad thoughts around me. I knew it was wrong but I can't stop thinking bout it. Something like, why does she gets it, why didnt i have it, not fair, even someone like that got it, why didnt i. I can't believe i actually had such mind. It is juz so scary to think that I am engulfed by darkness juz like that. My parents knew and my mom scolded me saying i shud apply more scholarship before this. So, i got reli pissed off. And juz dun have the mood, we juz finish our 2nd module test btw... Then , my dad texted me and what he said was really touching... "It's okay if you don't get a scholarship, Dad can still work, you just study ok" I reli cried after reading it, I juz can't accept such kindness from my parents. I juz dun want to be a burden to my parents, even coming to asasi ums, the first thing that crossed my mind is, ohhh money, it must cost a lot to go there, that i decided to go to matriks but my dad has his way to make me go to sabah, so i went to sabah and continued studying there. And yup, I reli dun like accepting parent's money, bcos I know it is hard to get them. Sometimes, i juz feel like quitting study and work. But, dad said go as far as your feet can take u. So, i listened to him and here i am, quite far... The last time I cried is getting scolded by lecturer... He said we complained too much during our presentation and we are no more than a GARBAGE... I couldn't do anything and as an appointed leader I felt like I let down my group... I cried after that and yeah it sucked. I am no garbage. I will prove it to him.
I think there is so many things to talk about in one year... Maybe i continue later... Hahaha later k... Oooo no pictures.... Hahaha nvm.... Next post ~
Monday, 14 July 2014
First Time
Everyone has a first for everything. I too had my first in something. First time to feel how my heart actually felt hurt from losing someone. It was not a pleasant feeling. It is horrible, I act like I was fine in front of that person, but actually I am deeply wounded. You basically just feel empty, it's like the whole world is pointless. You just go and sit alone in the class, twirling your hair. Yes, I did. Lecturers were teaching and you were like, "Hey, what's going on, what did she asked to do?". I ended up not focusing in class which I thought I was doing but I didn't. I ended up studying, I guessed it is a defense mechanism to stop my mind from thinking too much. Just like that, we stopped being close to each other. I am with my stuff, and you with yours.
Sometimes, I wondered if our meeting was meant to be. It felt like I dropped by a happy place and it really was fun. You made me feel different, a feeling I always wanted to have, too good to be true. Yes, it indeed too good to be true. I mean you are so hot and it's like anyone is willing to throw themselves to you. Me is like someone who people don't even looked at. It is sad but it's true. I don't think anyone actually looked at me like you do. You left an important event in my life. But, that's juz who you are, a dream too good to be true. Although it seems wrong, it felt right at times...
And now, all that's left is juz me and your memories. I really missed you, sometimes I stalked your FB and looked like u r doing fine. I guess I am happy I guess. Life is juz so confusing sometimes. You who may looked like you are mine but you are not. It's like How I Met Ur Mother haha. Maybe in da future we will meet again and then maybe then we can... be together. I will make myself ready till the day come.
Okay, I am out of topic lol. But, when you get heartbroken, it is a continuous process. Mine happened like 2 years ago and I am still thinking about it, sometimes... I guess I still wants you. It sounded stupid and it won't happen. Yup but I will keep dreaming... It's the only thing I can do...
Ok, a quote for tonight. Well my mother always said you can't put price on love. Actually, Tiffany's mom said that haha.
Sometimes, I wondered if our meeting was meant to be. It felt like I dropped by a happy place and it really was fun. You made me feel different, a feeling I always wanted to have, too good to be true. Yes, it indeed too good to be true. I mean you are so hot and it's like anyone is willing to throw themselves to you. Me is like someone who people don't even looked at. It is sad but it's true. I don't think anyone actually looked at me like you do. You left an important event in my life. But, that's juz who you are, a dream too good to be true. Although it seems wrong, it felt right at times...
And now, all that's left is juz me and your memories. I really missed you, sometimes I stalked your FB and looked like u r doing fine. I guess I am happy I guess. Life is juz so confusing sometimes. You who may looked like you are mine but you are not. It's like How I Met Ur Mother haha. Maybe in da future we will meet again and then maybe then we can... be together. I will make myself ready till the day come.
Okay, I am out of topic lol. But, when you get heartbroken, it is a continuous process. Mine happened like 2 years ago and I am still thinking about it, sometimes... I guess I still wants you. It sounded stupid and it won't happen. Yup but I will keep dreaming... It's the only thing I can do...
Ok, a quote for tonight. Well my mother always said you can't put price on love. Actually, Tiffany's mom said that haha.
Saturday, 12 July 2014
I was a Bitch?
This is something I kinda juz realized when I went to Tesco juz for fun. I juz realized how much of a bitch I was or maybe still am. Well, I think during high school something happened. I went to Tesco to go shopping, and then they have these donuts, 6 pieces for RM 4 or something. If buy separately, it's like 1.50 each so i got 4 of it and it is rm 6. Then, the kakak said, ambik 6 lah dik, sama jer harga. And OMG I still cannot believe what i did, i actually ignored her and juz take the donuts and leave... Ok, that was a real bitch, I mean she meant good. I am so sorry kak whoever u are.
I think the reason for my bitch attitude is probably due to high school and personal issues... It was hard I guess that time. It's like if i have the chance, i would juz run and left everything i wasn't reli thinking. Too bad i did, so i stayed and cooled my mind. It's like the whole world is against me, i can't remember not having a day getting scold by parents. They always have something to scold me for. My exam results which was like shit, rubbish i forgot to throw, always play games, don't study, play and play... I must say tuition SUCKS! Well, proper amount is enuf, I don't need tuitions for 6 subjects, screw studying I can reli juz ditched everything and leave this horrible place, but i didn't.
My relationship with parents are not reli good that time. Dad hates me for fooling in my study, I mean come on, it's a damn add math with only one chapter for exam and if i suck at that means i reli suck. But i can do other parts fine. Stupid exam reli poisoned parents' brain, results are not everything, it doesnt mean that u r dumb, its juz that u r not good at it, but maybe u can be good at something else.
When i go to school, my friends are pretty much why i am like here now. U kinda like forget every problems at home. Sometimes i don't even wanna go home. And my dad is like banning me from going to my fren's house, i mean what??? It's not like I went there n do drugs... At that time, I can reli say that I wished for an early death. It's juz too much for me. I don't reli have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my parents, no siblings, no frens so close for me to share my personal feelings.
And i read back my FB message with one of my friend, J. He is a nice person, he encouraged me and helped a lot during my study. But, i said : Eat shit. ..... I don't reli understand my feeling as well that time. How could I said that? I was such a bitch... Well, we stopped talking for like 3 years? 2? I lose count and I think he still hates me. Well, I am sorry but I wasn't really stable mentally I guess that time. So many things happened, things I don't talk about, there are so many actually. I think I told one person only bout the truth that happened about the sleepover but I guess it's okay, I am already bad, so let's be the bad guy.
High school is reli horrible i guess, not reli a good memory especially at home but i felt happy at school. Now, I am studying abroad, i don't know, maybe i felt free and far from all that i ever known. It's like a sweet escape. A fresh start and a new life all over. The new place i am in feels like home to me.
So, I was a bitch for many reasons. And when I can't talk bout it, I released my anger on others. Maybe some will misunderstood me for some reasons. But if u stretch ur imagination, I had a hard time on my own. Please understand. Other people may have their mom or dad to talk to but me, I actually talked to myself only and believe it or not, I calmed myself every night, telling myself that it will be fine. And the next day always started out fine but there are always arguments, so I have to calm myself again and again. You may even have brother or sister to talk to, but I guess the closest person I am with is myself only. I guess I don't reli trust others that much and I don't know if there is anyone who wanted to listen to all my problems anyway, so I'll deal it by myself, like I always do...
Today is quite a gloomy nite for me but yes , I was a bitch and I have my reasons.
I think the reason for my bitch attitude is probably due to high school and personal issues... It was hard I guess that time. It's like if i have the chance, i would juz run and left everything i wasn't reli thinking. Too bad i did, so i stayed and cooled my mind. It's like the whole world is against me, i can't remember not having a day getting scold by parents. They always have something to scold me for. My exam results which was like shit, rubbish i forgot to throw, always play games, don't study, play and play... I must say tuition SUCKS! Well, proper amount is enuf, I don't need tuitions for 6 subjects, screw studying I can reli juz ditched everything and leave this horrible place, but i didn't.
My relationship with parents are not reli good that time. Dad hates me for fooling in my study, I mean come on, it's a damn add math with only one chapter for exam and if i suck at that means i reli suck. But i can do other parts fine. Stupid exam reli poisoned parents' brain, results are not everything, it doesnt mean that u r dumb, its juz that u r not good at it, but maybe u can be good at something else.
When i go to school, my friends are pretty much why i am like here now. U kinda like forget every problems at home. Sometimes i don't even wanna go home. And my dad is like banning me from going to my fren's house, i mean what??? It's not like I went there n do drugs... At that time, I can reli say that I wished for an early death. It's juz too much for me. I don't reli have anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my parents, no siblings, no frens so close for me to share my personal feelings.
And i read back my FB message with one of my friend, J. He is a nice person, he encouraged me and helped a lot during my study. But, i said : Eat shit. ..... I don't reli understand my feeling as well that time. How could I said that? I was such a bitch... Well, we stopped talking for like 3 years? 2? I lose count and I think he still hates me. Well, I am sorry but I wasn't really stable mentally I guess that time. So many things happened, things I don't talk about, there are so many actually. I think I told one person only bout the truth that happened about the sleepover but I guess it's okay, I am already bad, so let's be the bad guy.
High school is reli horrible i guess, not reli a good memory especially at home but i felt happy at school. Now, I am studying abroad, i don't know, maybe i felt free and far from all that i ever known. It's like a sweet escape. A fresh start and a new life all over. The new place i am in feels like home to me.
So, I was a bitch for many reasons. And when I can't talk bout it, I released my anger on others. Maybe some will misunderstood me for some reasons. But if u stretch ur imagination, I had a hard time on my own. Please understand. Other people may have their mom or dad to talk to but me, I actually talked to myself only and believe it or not, I calmed myself every night, telling myself that it will be fine. And the next day always started out fine but there are always arguments, so I have to calm myself again and again. You may even have brother or sister to talk to, but I guess the closest person I am with is myself only. I guess I don't reli trust others that much and I don't know if there is anyone who wanted to listen to all my problems anyway, so I'll deal it by myself, like I always do...
Today is quite a gloomy nite for me but yes , I was a bitch and I have my reasons.
Friday, 11 July 2014
Transformer. Age of Extinction + Supercup Chatime
Well, juz now finisehd watching the movie Transformer. I found it nice, packed with actions every minute you can never get tired with. And you can wait for another sequel of it haha can't wait. Also, I saw my friend, Husaini I think, well I think he didn't notice, he was with his GF ooooo haha.
One thing i regret is that supercup OMG so big that i can puke drinking it but it was nice. It tasted ok but not too much of it. Such a big cup should be enjoyed in a slow and comfortable moment sighhh...
Well, one thing i am not happy about is my friends though, i mean we meet each other like how many times a year and all we can ever talked about is games. Come one, get a life haha. Actually i don't like conversation when i am completely blurr lol, i know how he felt now. At least, ask how is ur life, how is Sabah, ohh gosh u don't even bother hmmm. Nevermind lahhh, janji kau bahagia.
One thing i regret is that supercup OMG so big that i can puke drinking it but it was nice. It tasted ok but not too much of it. Such a big cup should be enjoyed in a slow and comfortable moment sighhh...
Well, one thing i am not happy about is my friends though, i mean we meet each other like how many times a year and all we can ever talked about is games. Come one, get a life haha. Actually i don't like conversation when i am completely blurr lol, i know how he felt now. At least, ask how is ur life, how is Sabah, ohh gosh u don't even bother hmmm. Nevermind lahhh, janji kau bahagia.
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Fake It
I am now in love with this song. I don't know why but there is no need for reasons to love sth rite? The song is good and so meaningful. It's pretty much about faking the real feelings you are having and all the suffering from losing your loved ones. I can relate to that song ~ This is my favorite line.
I’m tired of faking it now
It’s so hard, why did you leave me?
I’m so tired of faking it
Why don’t you know my heart? Tears are falling
Again today.
Ireon cheokhagido ije jichyeosseo
Na jeongmal himdeureo wae nareul tteonagannayo
Ireon cheokhagido jeongmal jichyeosseoyo
Nae mam wae mollajwoyo nunmulmani heulleonaeryeoyo
Oneuldo.
I’m tired of faking it now
It’s so hard, why did you leave me?
I’m so tired of faking it
Why don’t you know my heart? Tears are falling
Again today.
Ireon cheokhagido ije jichyeosseo
Na jeongmal himdeureo wae nareul tteonagannayo
Ireon cheokhagido jeongmal jichyeosseoyo
Nae mam wae mollajwoyo nunmulmani heulleonaeryeoyo
Oneuldo.
Is it necessary?
Okay, sometimes i get annoyed with stuffs especially on social websites. I mean come one people, is it necessary like to post every single thing on ur mind. I find this very disturbing, like I don't know what the hell is going on in this world. Madness everywhere, yes I know. But, if you are juz going to juz TWEET about it, u shud juz stop. Like STOPPPP! Ok haha i am not angry juz annoyed, i mean tweet without action is like so useless. Yeah, u may have been right with all ur tweets and all but then i think you should start putting ur tweets to action. its juz my opinion but yes it matters.
I remembered something like this. Diam2 ubi berisi. Don't be loud and empty. Like my friends used to say, Tin Kosong Banyak buat Bunyi. So, peeps, don't juz talk k. DO.
I remembered something like this. Diam2 ubi berisi. Don't be loud and empty. Like my friends used to say, Tin Kosong Banyak buat Bunyi. So, peeps, don't juz talk k. DO.
So, enjoy people. I have to enjoy myself as well. No time to waste.
A dream.
Well, ehemmm. Actually this crossed my mind quite a few times. There is actually many people who would pursued medicine as a career. The question is why? I don't have the answers. Only those who pursued the career might know why.
I don't have a dream, that's the point. i still remember during orientation week, we were asked, who wants to take medicine, i was like shit, what should i say, errr... People before me and after me, many said MEDICINE. I was like, what's with people and medicine. You can say I am quite a blank and dull at that time and unsure of the current mind of people. Mind of the people all said I WANT MEDICINE, which I found weird. So, basically i came therelike a headless chicken with no aim and direction. i simply follow where fate takes me, but believe me, i have a dream, but it's too risky and doesn't seem achievable so i juz leave that dream on hold. maybe someday i can put that drea to work.
ok, back to peeps who r crazy about medicine. i must say having no purpose and aims in life makes u a complete loser, so i seek mine out as i study and i tried my best at finding my purposes. sometimes it is juz pointless to think about what is my aim in life, well if u ask me now, i have one. i want to be a good doctor and not a half-ass one. so i really hope that i can learn as much knowledge that can be useful to me in my career. that is pretty much what i am aiming for, and survive in this medicine along the way.
sometimes i wondered f this is the right choice but i believe, part of me does, believe that God somehow is guiding me throughout the madness of this world, i am not reli a religious person, i guess my personality and behavior played a part in contributing to that. that is why only part of me believe, i tried my best not to lose faith but then... haha it's okay. so for as long as i know, i tried to be neutral and that pretty much comes out when people asked me stuff, its either its okay or bad. i never said yes confidently. because i don't even have that much faith in me. i am so scared also about the future, i mean i may be neutral now, but if i turn bad soon, too much will be lost, people around me will suffer. that is why my real dream is not achievable because it will hurt a lot of people. remember when i said i am not reli a nice person, i tried not to get too close to anyone, this is kinda like why. because when the moment comes, i juz know i won't be able to hold back and i will start hurting others close to me. so less closer u r to me, the better.
ok back to medicine again. hmmm,,, i mean i know a few friends who would die for medicine. some with their countless family fortunes are willing to go abroad to study medicine. some who cant afford medicne go for any available courses. Dream is juz so powerful. people r willing to spend money for their dream. well, if u r rich then it's okay. but in my view, people have different background and as long as u have a dream. u have a goal in ur life, no matter how small or big ur dream is. well, i used to hear, DREAM BIG. i think my dream fits me juz fine.i am growing better in every aspect in my life.
Also, dream and put it to action, dun juz dream k. u can't get anywhere with words but with hard work. i believe efforts will pay off, efforts that bear fruits especially. maybe i shud talk about efforts next time. tmrw maybe since i have many free time in my hand.
I think i strayed off the DREAM path haha, so many nonsense sprouted along the way but it is okay. i also found a quote for myself. i never had any quote before , welll my quotes usually came from movie like Chucky hahaha : My mother alays said that you cannot put price on love. kinda true. but i found this much more meaningful ~
I don't have a dream, that's the point. i still remember during orientation week, we were asked, who wants to take medicine, i was like shit, what should i say, errr... People before me and after me, many said MEDICINE. I was like, what's with people and medicine. You can say I am quite a blank and dull at that time and unsure of the current mind of people. Mind of the people all said I WANT MEDICINE, which I found weird. So, basically i came therelike a headless chicken with no aim and direction. i simply follow where fate takes me, but believe me, i have a dream, but it's too risky and doesn't seem achievable so i juz leave that dream on hold. maybe someday i can put that drea to work.
ok, back to peeps who r crazy about medicine. i must say having no purpose and aims in life makes u a complete loser, so i seek mine out as i study and i tried my best at finding my purposes. sometimes it is juz pointless to think about what is my aim in life, well if u ask me now, i have one. i want to be a good doctor and not a half-ass one. so i really hope that i can learn as much knowledge that can be useful to me in my career. that is pretty much what i am aiming for, and survive in this medicine along the way.
sometimes i wondered f this is the right choice but i believe, part of me does, believe that God somehow is guiding me throughout the madness of this world, i am not reli a religious person, i guess my personality and behavior played a part in contributing to that. that is why only part of me believe, i tried my best not to lose faith but then... haha it's okay. so for as long as i know, i tried to be neutral and that pretty much comes out when people asked me stuff, its either its okay or bad. i never said yes confidently. because i don't even have that much faith in me. i am so scared also about the future, i mean i may be neutral now, but if i turn bad soon, too much will be lost, people around me will suffer. that is why my real dream is not achievable because it will hurt a lot of people. remember when i said i am not reli a nice person, i tried not to get too close to anyone, this is kinda like why. because when the moment comes, i juz know i won't be able to hold back and i will start hurting others close to me. so less closer u r to me, the better.
ok back to medicine again. hmmm,,, i mean i know a few friends who would die for medicine. some with their countless family fortunes are willing to go abroad to study medicine. some who cant afford medicne go for any available courses. Dream is juz so powerful. people r willing to spend money for their dream. well, if u r rich then it's okay. but in my view, people have different background and as long as u have a dream. u have a goal in ur life, no matter how small or big ur dream is. well, i used to hear, DREAM BIG. i think my dream fits me juz fine.i am growing better in every aspect in my life.
Also, dream and put it to action, dun juz dream k. u can't get anywhere with words but with hard work. i believe efforts will pay off, efforts that bear fruits especially. maybe i shud talk about efforts next time. tmrw maybe since i have many free time in my hand.
I think i strayed off the DREAM path haha, so many nonsense sprouted along the way but it is okay. i also found a quote for myself. i never had any quote before , welll my quotes usually came from movie like Chucky hahaha : My mother alays said that you cannot put price on love. kinda true. but i found this much more meaningful ~
So I guess that would be all. Enjoy your day and dream.
How to feeel like P Diddy?
Wake up in the midnight so what will i feel like? Thirsty and urge to pee. I feel better with milo, cold.
Tomorrow watching transformer Yay
Tomorrow is my first day outing with schoolmatessssss haha. It's been a while. I hope Wong didnt turn fatter , Lim is getting thinner I think. Dany did rebonding , shittttt. And I am still single.
Health Promotion - More like Have Problem
I have to go back early than other students bcos of THAT. So, I will go back b4 the 18th of August. It is juz so horrible with so many things to do. Well, one thing about health promotion, if you failed your first year, you don't have to do it.
One of my group mate failed a module, well juz one so I think she will make it juz fine. I hope all is well. HP is in KuALA pENYU BTW. By the sea and pretty. Maybe I can post pictures. I mean if I have the time and internet connection ahaha.
One of my group mate failed a module, well juz one so I think she will make it juz fine. I hope all is well. HP is in KuALA pENYU BTW. By the sea and pretty. Maybe I can post pictures. I mean if I have the time and internet connection ahaha.
Bored to death that I decided to crap here about my mind.
Actually, it is kinda good to write, I need to write so I write. See, I am bored. Well, I am listening to fx's song Butterfly and Dracula in the meantime. My favorite from the album.
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