Guilty?

Ever felt guilty? I do, everyday and every second of my life, guilt is what I felt. It is a feeling when you realized you did something bad and the course of actions that you take after that depends on you. For me, I continued being bad even after knowing it is bad. But what can I do? Even knowing the right thing to do, I didn't do it. Why? I don't know...

I feel guilt for the things I did, those are things I can't say I regret as well, maybe part of me did. I feel guilt for what I am doing now and I feel guilt already for things I know I will do. The darkness never left, it is just waiting for the right time, I am waiting... As long as there is no external stimulus, I will not be stimulated. For now, I think I am quite safe from myself. But in the future, I doubt that I am going to be safe. I know what to do and I think I will be selfish at that time, I just know because it happened before and all the things I cared for are left behind. I just know that I will choose to be bad. Not that I want to but being bad seems natural, not like that bad but bad. I guess no one will understand. You were never there. But I was. I just know that things will get tougher soon and the people around me will decide my choice of life actually.

But guilt will always be there until the day comes or if I die earlier then the event will not occur. But, I doubt my life would end just like that. My life is just full of craps and more craps coming in. I tried to live but this is not living. I think it is a divine punishment. Well, punish me now than later. It might be too late. For now, I am in a state of neutral. I tried to not choose any sides yet, despite knowing the right side I still choose none for now. I wondered why? I mean I did try to change but it just didn't work out. I was faking it and I stop. Stop faking.

Now, I am back to square one. No progress... But I just know that this is not the end. My life is so complicated. It's like having desire to be free like a bird but a perfect cage is set around me. Now I am trap but the key is always with me, I just don't know what to do with it. Should I get out of the cage and face the danger lurking or stay safe and live in a cage? I still can't decide. It's a big decision. But, I know there are only two paths for me to take in the end. What shall it be?

Maybe my guilt will vanish then... But it's hard carrying it alone, no wonder I am physically weak, because all my energy is used to carry this guilt all around.

So, guilty? Are you? Because I am and I don't know what to do...