Well, first let's change the songs before I can write about something depressing. Okay, better. Well, told my friend, R, about what happened five years ago. It is an important event in my life. I could be elsewhere right now but I am here by my choice. I chose to live in this cruel world so here I am, stuck in this land where freedom is not really there for me to fight for.
Tonight I wanna write about parents. Parents are important to me. They are. I can't help it but owe them my whole life to them. I wished I have different parents but you know what they say "Can't choose your family". So, as a child, being me is quite hard already, I must me crazy if I managed to live thru those dark days. Yes, I am crazy. You can say I understand that I am different from the other children. I am abnormal. I don't have a problem with that but others seems to have problems with me. So, they called me names I wished I didn't know the meaning but I do. I am quite feminine for I don't know what reasons. So, they kept calling me names. As a child, it is hard, harder when you have to bear it on your own. I can't even tell my parents about it. If I come back after playing outside, everything turns normal for me. My parents don't defend me. They don't fight for me. So, I have to bear it alone but I found and met nice people along the way who treated me nicely. So, if I felt like having a bad day, I never seem to show it because there are nice people around me too, they made me forget whatever problems I have. So yeah, even when my parents don't stand for me, I can stand on my own. I have been doing that since I was young, too young for a child to bear alone but he did it.
As I grew older, I started to think even more and more questions just kept on coming and still counting. It is this time that I explored the world and knew that I was not alone. There were others like me and we had the same problem. Still, I kept this to myself and never mentioned it. Usually, if you go back home, parents will ask you how is school, I would say it is all fine when even it is not. I learned not to depend on my parents on this thing because I already was doing this for a long time. Hanging on myself and just kept moving forward. Then, feelings started to pop out. I started to explore deeper about my origin and I learned a lot and I knew it is not a good thing. It is a taboo. So, I was in denial for quite some time. I was embracing it as I denied it. I tried to fight, I did. Parents just never help me to understand this. I was so young and when I needed them the most, they weren't there for me. They were never there. I just wished my life ended faster but still I hold on. I don't even know why I held on. I still remember I hated going back home, so I stayed at the school till everyone went back. Sitting at the parking for motorcycles, I would just sit there. I really hated home. Study is so hard, being me is even harder and parents made it worst when they don't try to understand me at all. But school is my salvation, everything becomes nice at school. I had friends. We would just laugh all day long.
Until now, my parents still don't understand me. I think they knew but they just refuse to talk about it. I am jealous of others with their parents. They can tell everything to their parents. For me, all we ever talked about is study, my future, my brother. We don't talk about me. I wished my parents would tell me it will all be fine and they would love me the same way. But I knew that is too good to be true, so I let there be a gap between us. A 21 years old of gap. One they won't be able to fill because I won't let them. It is too late now. They won't understand. Having a younger brother kinda makes me feel glad a little bit. At least they had a real son. So, me leaving won't be that hard for any of us. I can see where this is going. Soon, there will be talks of marriage. That would be my call. I am not being ungrateful, but I think this is for the best too. They would probably be too busy with taking care of their images with people. So, I will do this quietly. But, I hope they can understand it. The future is still far off. If they can accept it, I would be happy. But if not, it will be farewell.
So for those that still have their parents, take good care of them because you have the chance to explore each other. Something I wished for but it probably won't happen because then we will all be in hell. So, yeah, till the time comes. I won't make any moves yet. I am so nervous already. I don't know how this will end but it will.
Lights, camera, accion,
I'll do it on my own,
Don't need your money, money,
To get me what I want...
~High by the beach~
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